walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
