i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
