i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
