Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I have feelings that need drinking.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
