i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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