If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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