this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
