If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
