She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
