there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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