i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
