Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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