Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i drank out of a bidet.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
