I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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