remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
