Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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