Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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