the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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