this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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