Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
