Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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