last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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