the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
