I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
