My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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