fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
