i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Yo dont text me then not text me
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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