Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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