You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
