She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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