I just threw up on my dentist
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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