Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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