the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize