hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
is wine microwaveable?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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