she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
