ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
