It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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