If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
