Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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