Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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