i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
