Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
