Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
