My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
