She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize