Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
