I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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