my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
