he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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