I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
