Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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