Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
