at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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