i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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