So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
