____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
im holly from the hills drunk
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
