if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize